


Not Like This

by aw1214



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Astrid Hofferson, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, Loving Astrid Hofferson, Struggling Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, Suicide Attempt, Vulnerable Astrid Hofferson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 00:57:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18458189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aw1214/pseuds/aw1214
Summary: Astrid knew there was something wrong with Hiccup that night when he dropped her off so she followed him but she did not expect to see him alone on a cliff top with Toothless about to do something so drastic





	Not Like This

**Author's Note:**

> I know I've already written this fic before but I think it could be better and answer some questions people have had, also let me know if you want me to turn this into a series or just leave here as a oneshot

Astrid knew something was up with Hiccup when he was flying her back to her hut.

She sat behind him on Toothless, her arms wrapped around his torso, he stared absentmindedly ahead, a frown on his face, his jaw set, his gaze dark. Astrid squeezed him lightly and rested her head on his shoulder, "everything okay?" She asked, kissing his cheek.

He blinked hard and slowly turned his head to look at her over his shoulder, "hm?" He hummed, "are you okay?" Astrid asked, she held him a little tighter now, "oh, yeah. Yeah everything's fine" he murmured. She wanted to question him further but they were already there at her hut. 

He steered Toothless down so he could hover under her window unseen, "wait here bud" he said to Toothless, patting his neck. Astrid pushed open her window and they both crawled inside, "goodnight Astrid" Hiccup said, stepping forward to kiss her.

Astrid took a step back so she could look at him. His eyes were distracted, she could see the tension he was holding in his shoulders, he seemed to be almost impatient, but for what? They did this every night, Hiccup would sneak Astrid back home way after curfew so she wouldn't get caught but he was never in a rush like this to leave.

She held up her hand, "hang on, something's up" she said, he smiled weakly and shook his head, "no, everything's fine" he replied , Astrid took his hands, "Hiccup" she chimed, "Astrid" he said teasingly back.

Behind his jokes and smiles Astrid could tell something was bothering him, "I know you, you can't fool me" she replied, looking searchingly in his eyes. He laughed and shook his head, "honestly, nothing's wrong. I'm okay" he insisted, "do you promise?" Astrid asked.

He looked out the window where Toothless patiently waited for him, "yes" he said shortly, Astrid softly grabbed his face, "yes what?" She asked, he rolled his eyes and laughed, "yes, I promise I'm fine" he said wearily.

But she didn't believe him, she knew Hiccup and she knew something was bothering him, "would you tell me if you weren't?" She asked, he sighed in exasperation, "Astrid, I'm fine!" He laughed.

She studied him again, his eyes wouldn't quite meet hers meaning he was lying, and if he was lying there really must be something wrong. It was very rare Hiccup would lie to her but she knew whenever he did it was about something important, but even then she also knew he would feel too guilty to look her in the eyes, he didn't like lying to her. 

She reached up and rested her hand against his cheek pulling his head down so he would look at her and then brushing the skin softly, "okay" she said in a hushed whisper. This time he didn't move, he stood and watched her, listening. 

"You know I love you, don't you?" She asked, his mouth twitched and he nodded, "I love you too" he hugged her and kissed the top of her head. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tighter in her arms that she usually did. She didn't know what was upsetting him but she wanted him to know she was there, "fly safely" she said into his chest. 

He nodded again, "I will" he promised, she pulled away and smiled warmly at him, "good, the last thing I want is you getting into any accidents" she nagged. 

He rolled his eyes at her, "yes, thank you mom" he teased but she could hear the smile in his voice. She slapped his arm and said "hey, I care about you okay?" defensively causing him to laugh, "I know, now get to bed before you wake your parents up and take an ass whooping". 

She smiled and rested her hand on the nape of his neck, bringing his head down so she could kiss him, "night Hic" she said, he smiled a little sadly, "goodnight my love" he replied, he looked at her lovingly one more time before he turned around and climbed back out of her window. 

She watched him as he went, she waited until he was settled on Toothless' back before she walked over to the window, "I'll see you tomorrow" Astrid said, leaning out and kissing his cheek, he smiled when she kissed him, "goodbye" he said, then he sped away and she shut the window. 

Astrid quickly undressed and got herself ready for bed, but she couldn't stop thinking about Hiccup. Something had been off about him but she couldn't figure out what it was, the way he had looked at her as he kissed her goodnight bothered her, something about it wasn't right. 

She lay in bed replaying the moment in her head over and over by the candlelight. He'd been acting weird all night, he had been distant and far away and he hadn't laughed at her jokes like he usually did. And when he did he would never be fully in the moment. 

He got like that sometimes when he was working on something new and it had stolen his mind but this was different. No, this was something else, but what? Why wouldn't he tell her what was wrong? 

Hiccup didn't always like to open up, she knew that but when something was really eating at him he would always tell her. Sometimes he'd tell her but then say he didn't want to to talk about it and that was okay. She would just cuddle him until he felt better or she'd try extra hard to make him laugh. So why wouldn't he tell her what was wrong? 

Astrid couldn't sleep knowing there was something wrong with Hiccup, she thought she'd sneak out, just quietly check up on him for her own peace of mind. He didn't need to see her she would just fly to his house on Stormfly, peak in his window, see what he was doing and go. 

She just needed to know he was alright then she'd be able to sleep. 

She silently dressed and crept out of her room, she paused to listen out for her parents' snores. When she heard them sleeping soundly away inside their bedroom she continued quietly down the stairs. 

Stormfly would be sleeping in the stables outside their hut, she cringed as she opened her front door slowly, it creaked as she did so she quickly yanked it open in one quick swipe. Thankfully it wasn't as loud as she thought it would be. 

She stepped out into the cool night and pulled the door softly shut again, Stormfly's head shot up to see who was intruding when Astrid stepped into the stables. Stormfly crowed happily when she saw it was her best friend, "shh! Shh!" Astrid said, running over to Stormfly and stroking her face. 

Stormfly quietened and pushed her head happily into Astrid's hands, "we need to sneak out to check on Hiccup, he seemed a little off tonight" Astrid whispered, Stormfly hummed quietly and bobbed her head in response. 

Astrid led her out the stables and hopped onto her back, then they took off into the night sky and Astrid flew quickly to Hiccup's. She felt a little confused when she saw no candlelight flickering from Hiccup's window. 

Astrid flew Stormfly to the bottom of Hiccup's window so Astrid could kneel on her back under the window undetected by Hiccup. She peeked her head quickly upwards and gazed into the dark room, she was even more confused when she saw it was empty. 

She landed Stormfly outside his hut and checked the stables, no Toothless, which meant Hiccup never went home. Astrid frowned and turned to Stormfly, "where could he be?" She asked. 

Astrid climbed back on Stormfly's back and flew up to Hiccup's window again , pushing it open so she could silently climb inside she prayed nobody in the village was awake, this would look really bad for her if she was caught crawling into the chief's seemingly empty house. 

She quickly crossed his bedroom and grabbed one of his shirts, she held it out for Stormfly to smell, "go on girl, where is he? Find Hiccup" she urged. Stormfly lifted her head to sniff the shirt then squawked as quietly as she could, having caught his scent. 

Astrid replaced the shirt then quickly jumped onto Stormfly's back again, careful to shut the window behind her. She leaned down and patted Stormfly's neck, "come on, let's go see where he is" she said and so Stormfly flew up into the sky sniffing the air every so often, using her nose as a guide. 

Stormfly had an extremely powerful sense of smell which was useful because it meant when Astrid didn't know where Hiccup was she could use Stormfly to track him. 

Astrid frowned as Stormfly flew, she was flying away from the village and towards the forest but why would Hiccup be in the forest at this time of night? Astrid leant down and scratched Stormfly's neck, "okay, nice and quiet now girl" she whispered. 

The deadly nadder slowed down so the beat of her wings wasn't so loud, the pair flew lower so they wouldn't be so easily spotted. Stormfly flew through the trees until Astrid could see the trees open up into a clearing on the edge of a cliff. 

Astrid could see Hiccup sitting near the edge next to Toothless. Hiccup's lips were moving as he moved something in his hands, he must've been saying something to Toothless. Astrid landed Stormfly behind a few bushes before she slid off her back. 

She held her finger up to her lips before she crept silently forward so she could hear what Hiccup was saying. She strained her ears as hard as she could to listen but his voice was just a quiet buzz and she couldn't quite make out his words. 

Astrid turned and gestured for Stormfly to follow her quietly and ventured forward to the edge of the trees just before where the opening started. There she hid behind a tree and Stormfly some large bushes and listened. 

Now she could hear Hiccup's voice more clearly, he was in the middle of a conversation to Toothless. Now she was closer she could see what he was doing with hands easier too, he appeared to be holding something which he watched as he turned it over in his hand before passing it to the other one. 

Toothless grumbled something in response to something Hiccup had just said, "it'll be okay, Astrid can take care of you, you like Astrid" Hiccup said. His voice wavered when he said her name. 

Astrid frowned, what was Hiccup talking about? Why would she need to take care of Toothless? Astrid turned to see Stormfly had the same puzzled expression she held, if a dragon could look puzzled. 

Toothless whined sadly and pushed his head into Hiccup's lap, Hiccup sighed and set down whatever he was working on so he could scratch behind Toothless' ears, "you'll be okay. You're a good dragon" Hiccup said as he stroked him lovingly. He sniffed, "you're my good boy" he whispered, starting to choke up. 

A bad feeling settled in Astrid's gut, she didn't like this. She craned her head to try and get a look at what Hiccup had just been holding but he set it down the other side of him, she couldn't see it where she was standing, she would have to get closer.

She motioned for Stormfly to stay and she slowly tiptoed into the clearing, looking down at her feet and stepping carefully so she wouldn't step on a twig or any dried leaves and make a sound that would alert Hiccup or Toothless she was there. 

Toothless chortled sadly, lifting his head to lick Hiccup's face. For once Hiccup didn't protest, he laughed and stroked under the dragons chin, "I love you too bud" he said resting his head against Toothless'. 

He stayed there motionless for a second before he sighed and stood, "it's time, if I don't do it now I'll only back out again" he said to Toothless. Toothless lowered his head and whimpered softly, "I know, I know. She'll be upset at first but she'll be alright too" Hiccup replied, patting Toothless again comfortingly. 

Astrid stopped in her tracks, it sounded like Hiccup was saying goodbye. Was he going somewhere? Her eyes dropped to where he had just been sitting and her blood ran cold. On the floor by Hiccup's foot was a dagger and a small clear vial filled with a strange purple liquid labelled only with a crossbones and skull. It was poison. 

Suddenly it all made sense, why Hiccup was acting weird, why he and Toothless never went home, why he had flown out to the cliffs edge at night time and why Toothless sounded so upset. Everything he was saying made sense now, he _was_ saying goodbye. Hiccup was going to kill himself. 

Her heart stopped in her chest, she felt a cold creep down her back rooting her to the ground. She couldn't move or speak, she had no idea what to do and so she watched him silently, he hadn't spotted her yet. 

Hiccup took Toothless' face in his hands and stared deeply into his sad green eyes, "I need you to do something for me bud" he said, Toothless nodded, "I need you to take care of Astrid. I need you to make sure she's alright, she'll feel confused when she wakes up tomorrow morning and I'm not there waiting for her so give her this and stay with her, she'll need the comfort" he said. 

He pulled something out from his shirt and tucked it safely into one of the pockets on Toothless' saddle. Toothless lowered his head, rubbing against Hiccup fondly, "promise me bud" Hiccup urged. Toothless let out a mournful cry but nodded again, "good, don't save me now" he reminded Toothless, which meant Toothless had known about his plan. 

Hiccup bent down to pick up the vial and the dagger, he sighed and looked up at the moon, "it'll all be over soon" he murmured to himself, he uncorked the vial and raised it to his lips and the cold creeping down Astrid's spine turned into hot fire in her gut spurring her into action. 

Astrid ran forward towards him, "Hiccup no!" She yelled, Hiccup jumped in surprise, startled by Astrid's sudden appearance causing him to drop the vial. The glass shattered and spilled the contents onto the grass at his feet. She was horrified to see the grass hissing and fizzing, within seconds it turned brown as it wilted and died. 

Hiccup cursed and spun around, "Astrid" he gasped, he hid his hands behind his back, tucking the dagger into the waistband of his pants, "what're you doing here?" He asked. 

Astrid stormed angrily towards him, "what am I doing? What the hel are you doing?" She growled, Hiccup swallowed but didn't say anything, "well?" She demanded. 

Hiccup lowered his head and stared at his feet, "I don't want to be here anymore" he muttered, "so, what? You're just going to fucking kill yourself and leave me all by myself?" She yelled. 

All she felt was anger, she was so angry, angrier than she'd ever been before. She couldn't remember a time when she'd felt angrier than she had in that moment, her face grew hot and she balled her fists, all she wanted to do was shake Hiccup and scream at him about how fucking important he was. 

Hiccup flinched but he didn't look up at her, "I'm sorry" he said quietly, Astrid shook her head in disbelief, "you're sorry? You promised me you were fine, how could you? Why didn't you tell me? I can't believe you right now" she shouted at him. 

"I know, I'm sorry" he said again, it infuriated her how he didn't look up at her at all so she grabbed his shoulders roughly, "don't you ever do that to me Hiccup" she said. He sighed a deep and heavy sigh and finally looked up at her. She was struck by how dead and empty his eyes were like a ton of bricks. 

His eyes were always so bright and crazy, filled with colour and life, but now the emerald green had faded to a dull olive and all his usual happiness and excitement was replaced with pain and torture. 

"You don't understand" he said, his voice quiet, too much so. Astrid dropped her hands and stepped back, "then make me understand! Why didn't you tell me? I asked you what was wrong and you said were fine, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me?" She asked. 

He shook his head, "because it doesn't matter- I don't matter" he said. Astrid clenched her jaw, she wanted to punch him, "don't say that" she hissed, "why not? It's true" he insisted, his voice still quiet and low. 

Astrid clenched and unclenched her fists in an attempt to stop herself from hitting him out of frustration, "no it's not! Of course you fucking matter, I love you" she stepped closer to him before she snatched the dagger from his pants, "what the hel were you planning to do with this then?" She asked holding it up for him to see. 

Hiccup hung his head again before he surged forward, hand stretched to grab the dagger but Astrid was too quick for him. She pulled it back and behind her head, Hiccup was taller than her so instead of holding it over her head she held it out of his reach, "oh no you don't" she said as she pulled it back. 

Hiccup groaned and dropped his hand, "Astrid" he sighed, she shook her head, "don't you Astrid me" she hissed, she turned and threw the dagger as far as she could off the cliff which was pretty far considering her strength and athleticism. They watched it as it flew and sank into the sea. 

He ran a hand through his hair and threw his head back before he took a few steps away from her and towards the cliff edge, "just leave me alone" he muttered bitterly. Astrid scoffed and walked after him, "excuse me?" she demanded. 

He turned his back to her as he stood on the edge, looking down at the sea crashing against the cliff below them, "look I love you but go. Leave me alone" he snapped. Astrid gritted her teeth feeling her anger rising. She swallowed and forced down an angry remark. She'd always struggled with her anger but something told her that losing her temper at him would not be helpful right now. So she took another step towards him, "that's not going to happen" she answered shaking her head. 

The next part all happened so fast, Hiccup closed his eyes and stuck out his foot ready to step off the edge of the cliff. Astrid cursed and charged forward, she grabbed him around the torso and tackled him back in the grass away from the cliff. 

They both tumbled and fell, Hiccup crashed the hardest and before he had any sense of what just happened or what was going on Astrid was on top of him pinning him against the floor. She restrained him in case he tried anything again before she glared down at him, "you ass, don't you fucking dare" she spat. 

He didn't even try to struggle underneath her, he just lay there panting, "why're you so angry?" He asked, Astrid stared at him in shock, "why am I so angry? Oh I don't know maybe because you lied to me and the fact I had to just tackle my boyfriend to the ground so he wouldn't jump off a cliff and fucking kill himself" she exploded. 

He pushed her off of him and hauled himself to his feet, "don't swear at me" he growled, "don't swear at you? Is that really what you're concerned about right now? How could you do this to me? How do you think I would feel tomorrow morning if I woke up and heard after you promised me you were okay you had poisoned yourself, or stabbed yourself or jumped off a cliff? Huh? How would I feel? I wake up and I have no boyfriend and suddenly you're gone after you told me over and over that you were fine instead of talking to me" she cried angrily. 

He threw his hands up, "fuck I don't know! It wouldn't really be my problem anymore would it" he yelled, Astrid stared at him in stunned silents before she turned and started back towards Stormfly, "my gods you are such a selfish prick. Saddle up, I'm taking you home" she said over her shoulder. 

He shook his head, "no you're not" he argued, she stopped in her tracks and turned, "yes I am, what the hel do you mean no I'm not?" She asked. He shook his head again, taking a few steps back away from her, "Astrid forgive me" he begged before he turned and ran back towards the cliffs, "Toothless stay" he ordered and then he jumped, disappearing off the edge. 

Astrid sprinted full speed after him and was there in a second, "Stormfly fetch" she screamed. She watched as Hiccup plummeted through the air towards the sea and the jagged rocks below him, for a sickening moment she didn't think Stormfly was going to make it. She was about to turn away when she saw Stormfly shoot over her head and speed towards Hiccup, Astrid let out a sigh of relief as she saw her catch him in her claws just before he hit the rocks. 

Stormfly rose up again and dropped Hiccup at Astrid's feet, away from the cliff again. Hiccup groaned and turned onto his back, "just let me die" he said annoyance evident in his tone, "no"

Astrid knelt next to him resting her knee against his chest and applying a little pressure as to keep him down, "I will never just let you die" she said. He shut his eyes and shook his head, "it's not your job to save me and I don't want to live, that's my choice" 

All her anger melted away at that one sentence, he wasn't thinking. He didn't mean to hurt her, he was just struggling so much death seemed better than whatever he was fighting with. 

She lifted her knee and dropped it on the floor next to the other one, "I don't care. I will save you every single day for the rest of my life if I have to" she promised, "but Hiccup, please don't make me have to, you know I'm here for you and you know I'll listen so why didn't you tell me?" She asked. 

He sighed and opened his eyes before he slowly pulled himself up, "I couldn't" he said, she waited patiently for him to carry on, "some things are just too difficult to talk about and I didn't want to hurt you" he continued. 

She moved closer to him and cupped his cheek, "Hiccup what's going on? What made you so unhappy you wanted to take your own life? Was it my fault? Is that why you couldn't tell me?" She asked. 

His eyes widened and he shook his head quickly, "no! Of course not!" He cried, "then what?" Astrid asked. He sighed and licked his lips, trying to find the words to explain, "ever since my dad died I've found myself struggling. I can't deal with it all; the guilt, the pressure of being chief, I miss him so thordamn much, I just... I don't want to be here anymore" 

Astrid gasped, "Hiccup, your dad died a year ago" she said, he nodded, "yeah, I've been dealing with this alone because I didn't know how to tell you, I didn't want to. I figured eventually it would all go away but it didn't. The pain only got worse, some nights I lie in bed and I just can't sleep. Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning and I get this feeling in my chest and it's just so heavy then suddenly I can't move or breathe. The longer I lie there, the worse it gets until it's so bad I feel like I'm dying and it doesn't go away, eventually I just go to sleep" he explained. 

Astrid listened with tears in her eyes that she blinked away, "Hiccup, you should've told me you were going through that, I know it's hard but-" he cut her off, "Astrid, I couldn't" he repeated, "not when you keep looking at me like I'm the best thing to happen to you and I'm not. Everyone thinks of me as this great guy and I don't get it, I don't matter I doubt anyone would miss me if I was gone. The world would be so much better off if I died" 

He barely finished his sentence when Astrid rushed forward, wrapping her arms around his neck so quickly she knocked him onto the ground again, "stop it" she said unable to stop her tears this time. 

He didn't hesitate, he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her as they fell together and held her tighter still when he heard her sniff, "you are the best thing to happen to me and I couldn't even imagine my life if you were gone, I don't want to" she cried. 

He stroked her back comfortingly, "Astrid" he sighed but she shook her head, "no, I know I don't tell you enough but I love you Hiccup. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if you died, you're more than my boyfriend. You're my best friend, you're my other half, you're my entire world. I wake up in the morning and all I want to do is talk to you, I go to bed at night and I fall asleep thinking about you. You mean everything to me and I would miss you every second of every day" she broke down. 

He was entirely sure what to do, Astrid rarely cried ever but she became hysteric and began to sob as she thought of him killing himself, thinking nobody cared about him enough to miss him if he died. 

He let go off her waist so he could push her head off her shoulder and look at her, already her eyes were red and her cheeks were wet with sticky tears. He wiped her tears away with the pads of his thumbs carefully as he looked at her lovingly, "okay, okay" he murmured softly. 

Her face crumpled, she squeezed her eyes shut to stop fresh tears from falling, "please, don't ever leave me. Don't do that to yourself, I couldn't live without you Hiccup, you make me strong and I just couldn't-" she rambled, working herself up again. 

He dropped his hands and pulled her in the space between her legs and wrapping his arms around her again, he held her tightly as she cried into his chest, "shhhh, okay, I'm sorry. Shh, shh, shh" he whispered soothingly to her, rocking side to side gently to calm her. 

She fisted his shirt in her hands and then looked up at him, "promise me, for real this time, promise me you won't do it. Promise me you'll never kill yourself and leave me" she begged. 

He swallowed and looked up at the sky. He took a deep breath before he looked back down at her tear stained face and nodded, "I promise, for real. You will never have to live without me until the day you die" he vowed. 

She relaxed slightly and laughed through her tears, "you've done this to me, made me all soft" she sniffed wiping her face on his shirt, "what the fuck have you done for me for Thors sake" she laughed as she pulled away so she could wipe her tears away properly. 

Hiccup laughed and covered her hands with his as he helped her, "I'm sorry, I promise from now on I'm not going anywhere" he said. Astrid nodded, "good, and I promise, if you ever have that feeling in your chest again at night you can fly to my room and I'll do whatever it takes to help, even if it means just sitting up with you until you fall asleep" 

He raised an eyebrow to her, "I think your parents might have a thing to say about that if they wake up and find me asleep in your room" he said, she rolled her eyes, "whatever, I just want you to know there's nothing in this world that you can't tell me. There's nothing you must struggle through alone, I will try and help you find this. So I don't care what my parents do or say, if you need to come and fall asleep next to me when you feel like you can't breath you can" 

He nodded, "okay I will" he agreed, she cupped his cheek and rested her forehead against his, "you're an idiot" she said. He smiled, a real one this time. 

It was one of his infamous Hiccup smiles that made her heart flutter, "I know" he said, then he tipped his chin forward and captured her lips with his. She melted into his kiss, after everything they'd just been through it felt nice to just touch him and know he's safe. 

They didn't part for a long time but when they did he gave her another goofy smile, "oh and Astrid?" He said, she looked down at his lips again, her hand lingering on his cheek. She hummed distractedly, "I love you too" he whispered before she pushed him back in the grass and kissed him again. 


End file.
